What Do You Want?

So I've finished school forever and it's been almost a week since my last exam. It's a little weird though, I feel extremely indifferent. Life is the same, posting here, watching tv there, thinking about life and the people in it, chasing one sided relations, neglecting the right ones, and just everyday menial activity. Many of us know what we want, we just don't know how to get it, or can't accept the fact that we never will. In retrospect, I know who I want in my life, and who I wish would draw closer. However in that same retrospect I see that those are the people who will never be closer, and people that I need to let go.

Some of us question what we want, much like I do. I'm starting to doubt my conviction in pursuing my financial career for the sake of family, and my 'dream' of helping the poor, which seems to be unattainable and merely a dream. I'm wondering what would happen if I took the UMAT to be a doctor, I have all the correct subjects and perhaps I would have achieved a medical career. Could I have been that psychiatrist or doctor that truly catered to the needs of others? Or would I find insensitivity to death and pain and bluntly treat those who are hurting. I tend to attach emotion to whatever I do, and in a medical career that can be marring, as you cannot afford to lose yourself in fear or sadness in operation of a patient. You cannot attach emotion to a banking job either. Chances are - and very high ones at that - I will be working with corrupt men. I will not be able to trust my colleagues as they would not hesitate to step on me to climb higher.

I wonder if the people that I love are really the people that love me in return. I wonder if chasing after relationships with others, or holding up a rather one-sided relationship is even worth it, because if I succeed, what do I gain? Then where I would want a mutual beneficial relationship, how do I find that person who would do that same? I know we are not supposed to keep score, but there is clear evidence sometimes that a relationship needs to be severed as it is just pointless. You take away the circumstance that puts two people together, and they'll turn and walk separate ways.

Or even more, who am I supposed to fall in love with? Who is my partner? Is the person that I am currently drawn toward just another failure waiting in place, or is this, truly my other half that I have to persevere for? Often we say the phrase that we're "crazy about" someone. Are we crazy for being 'crazy'? I believe sometimes we delude ourselves into placing all our faith that this one person is our perfect match; I doubt my affections regularly, but maybe I truly am drawn to this person beyond feelings and superficial reasons, or maybe, I only believe that I am.

Then there's the final phase, which is what God wants. This is the part we seem to be the least clear about. In my acts of ministry, I keep wondering if I am heeding to my calling, and where is my calling coming from?
I feel a need to preach and teach to those around me, but is that the purpose set for me? Would people be willing to listen? What does God have to say about what I want? What does He want for me??

Life is so full of unanswered questions and we keep blindly chasing goals. I can think of tens of people who believe they should be doctors, and yet if I ask them why, they will not be able to give me a reason. I know people who are convinced that they should be a doctor, but they have failed to get there. There are people who give up promising careers for pastoral duty, sacrificing money for the "good of the people." Then there are people who desert all their values in aspiration to gain nothing but wealth, women, and physical pleasures. Who knows who's right, no one knows what we have to do, and we ourselves are uncertain of what we want.

What options do we have then? It seems that all we can do is try. All we can do is keep choosing the wrong choices: chasing after the wrong girl, selecting the wrong career, attempting various acts of ministry. By chance we may find the right one! Otherwise we go back to square one and cross the option of the list. There are repercussions for each option that we take, and prizes for each decision that we make.